My Throne

Now if you have a penis this will apply to you and to those of you who don’t, it still technically applies but shame on you! So we have all been in the situation where you need to urinate, piss, wee etc there and then, but there is nowhere to go so you have to face that age old choice to hold it or go anywhere. Now I was faced with the particular conundrum the other after a very pleasant evening round someone’s house but seeming as I spilt wine on her within the first two minutes of my arrival (I genuinely am the clumsiest man alive), I then became a mouse and the thought of asking to use her toilet would be a step to far so I defected to the garden immediately until I and the girlfriend left (she was not amused).

Now we are on way back and luckily it’s only 15 minutes way but I really need to go and subsequently do some form of crossed legged lunge walk, whilst eyeing any opportunity to relieve myself without been seen as the girlfriend would be even less amused and hoping she’s going to make me some grub when we get back. I really know that she will pass out on the couch as soon as we get back, while order I take away and scan across the TV looking for a old Stallone style action film, random documentaries or boobies.....who are we kidding just boobies.

So this journey is becoming increasingly worse and I feel like Steve McQueen, plotting my escape but inevitable bottling it because I feel I could flood the whole of South London and partly as I want see if I can make it back because that would literally be my only achievement of the day. I am however now at the top of my road (it’s a long road before you judge) and I can’t take it any more so I find the nearest hedge and go for it like one of those four leg, you know horse’s dogs etc that brazenly go wherever they want, like they are painting the pavement with yellow gold.....well we are not in the Wizard of Oz and it is certainly not the yellow brick road.

So I have done the deed, now I feeling a lot better as I am making my way back to flat pointing out the stream I have created because I’m such a juvenile, which of course the girlfriend is well aware of. I walk through the door, with the toilet starring at me and suddenly realising that I have let myself down opting for the street over my throne.